{Haven't read parts 1 or 2? Scroll down!}
Mental exhaustion notwithstanding, I continued to do everything I could to breastfeed.
The lactation diet list I received contained a lot of things that are generally great nutrition, but unfortunately things that were not part of my regular grocery list. In between actually feeding M, pumping and trying to rest, I was grocery shopping for things like coconut milk, fish that I would eat (hard to find when you don't like fish), fennel, avocado, then trying to figure out how to cook it.
I went to Vitamin Cottage to buy the supplement Fenugreek, which is thought to help increase lactation. I was willing to try it all, except for drugs, because I am not a pill-popper. I rarely take ibuprofen or aspirin, I had no interest in trying to trick my body using chemicals into lactating.
Those first two weeks of M's life were a repeated ritual. Remember the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing, over and over, expecting different results?
That was how I felt as I drip/breast fed M, followed by pumping, and got literally only a few drops of milk from the left breast and maybe 10 mL, sometimes 15, from the right.
My mother tried to help, suggesting I eat high-fat foods and encouraged me to pump less, thinking that I was straining my body. And I did for a few days, because I was getting so tired of the process.
I was coming to the conclusion that this might not work, and I hated the very idea. It made me feel like a failure, that I couldn't give my baby what she needed.
This idea that I was failing, as I am able to see rationally now, was developed by a society that I feel is putting extreme pressure on mothers to breastfeed. I had spent nine months building up to breastfeeding, agreeing and reading all of the literature and bloggers that sings the praises of breast milk.
Historically, mothers who couldn't (or wouldn't) breastfeed employed wet nurses, or gave their babies goat's milk or some other animal milk. Formula was developed in the 19th century, and it's suggested that nearly half of all babies in the U.S. were fed formula during the middle part of the 20th century. In the '70s, the scale began to tip back in favor of breastfeeding.
I don't have statistics on how many babies are breastfed versus formula fed now, but I do know that the "peer pressure" I felt to breastfeed my baby was causing me more mental anguish then was justified.
I had all of the help, literature, foods, supplements, pumps and advice I could possibly have, and it DID NOT WORK.
I'm capitalizing that to emphasize the fact that I was at the hospital numerous times, consulting the very people who specialize in breastfeeding; I had all of the support and help any mother could possibly need. My husband supported me—something I was extremely thankful for.
When M was one month old, I couldn't do it anymore. She became a purely formula fed baby, and I felt defeated.
When people would ask if she was breastfed, I felt ashamed. I felt obligated to explain my situation, to justify the fact that I was giving her formula. To tell them that statistics suggest that fewer than five percent of women don't lactate, and that I was one of them.
It was painful. I did not have any type of post-partum depression, but I did experience something akin to depression every time the topic came up.
The thing is, M is a happy, extremely healthy baby. If she were given stickers at her doctor appointments, she would be given gold stars every time. She didn't get diaper rashes, as breastfeeding proponents claim formula babies suffer from. She didn't fail to bond with me or the people around her, because we held her and loved her and smothered her with affection while feeding and while not feeding.
Once she hit her six month mark in January, I began to feel angry. Angry that I had ever felt like a failure, just because the world says breastfeeding is best. Don't misunderstand me—I support every mother who makes the decision to breastfeed. However, I support every mother who chooses to formula feed as well, because sometimes, it does not work out.
Today's formula is sanitary and is as close to breast milk as scientifically possible. Yes, it very well might be missing things that are contained in breast milk, but it has a lot of added things that are beneficial to infants (think DHA).
And I am here to tell you that formula is not a bad choice. It was the best one I could've made for my daughter and our circumstance. Fifteen milliliters of breast milk pumped from one breast was not enough to grow an infant. M would've starved. I thank God that I had something safe and available to give her.
So, fellow mothers, if you have a baby or are waiting on a baby, please know that you are not wrong to use formula. It is not something to be looked down on, or something to judge another woman on.
Only a mother can make the right decision for her baby. Don't let the world tell you which to choose! And most importantly, don't let the world influence your self worth—God loves you, and I'm pretty sure He doesn't care if you breastfeed or formula feed, as long as you love and care for that little gift with your whole heart.
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